where has my mind been

so the past couple of weeks have been crazy. my mind and body have been in two separate places. the sex is good. the sex is okay.. the sex is really good. i don't know.. sometimes we are having sex and i am looking at him and my body says. I love you. I love you. Cum in Me. I need you and then other times I'm thinking. Can i deal with this shit. CAN I DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. I am in my early 20's does it even really fucking matter.. really does it. really matter.. i don't know.. okay well i don't know. I'm going to stop writing. I am going out. Fuck i don't know what to do. Life is so fucking gay...

devil stay away from me.

what am i doing.
i lay awake at night .
just thinking.
dreaming.
pining over that man.
touching my self as he sleeps.
thinking about
what it would be like.
the first time.
and what i would be like.
to lay with him.
laugh with him.
to be with him.

i want to fuck him.
and kiss his entire body.
i want this man so bad.

i put his face in on his body.
and pretend like his responses.
are something he would say.

i think about what we would be doing.
if i were with him.
living this way.

he seems so perfect.
like we just fit.
like i want what i can have.
and he'd give me it.

i think about how i could.
leave him.
we could be together.
and i could finally.
be happy and myself.
and we'd watch cartoon.
and get high.
and fuck.
and sleep.

and we'd listen to music.
and talk about sneakers.
and go to bars.
and drink each other under the table.

i just want to get fucked up.
and get fucked.

there are times.
that i hate my life.

i hate him.
and i feeling obligated to love him.
i feel like i am not who i was
in the beginning.
and that not a good thing.
i feel like ive lost myself.
i want so badly to be bad
and to be alone.
and to be involved
in something meaningless.

as of late.
ive chosen to jack off.
to the image.
of him.
coming close to my face.
whispering in my ear.
kissing my neck.

and telling me.
how bad hes wanted it.
and good it finally feels.

he told me that i am his fetish.
and how my body makes him want to come.
he wants to spread my legs like butter.
he wants to make me die inside.
and how he has been waiting.
for something like this.

and i tell him.
that hes everything i never thought i wanted.
and i how bad i wish i met him first.

would i be different?

who would i be.

what am i doing.
am i insane?
there is love here.
there is lust here.
i have got to get a grip.
ive got to get over this.
make sense out of.
this sexual situation.

i have to make the best.
of my unhappiness.
thats what its all about.
ive got to fall in love all over again.
i cant just cut and run .
my way out.

im so young.
and so amazing.
and so filled with bad intentions.
and i want to give myself.
to the entire world.
with any regulations.
hesitation.
relation.
ships.
shit.

ive learned so much from this man.
and to throw it all away.
to give up on my future.
to split this all down the middle.
seems unfair.
to break apart something that.
ive worked so hard to make.





for a boy.
this crush.
could crush everything.

I fell in love in one night.

local restaurant's holiday party. Free food. Free beer. Free fun times. 

As i am at my table a guy i sorta knew from 7 years ago sits down and starts talking with a friend. he acknowledges that he knows me, we have light conversation, but we were never really "friends" before (I was fucking one of his friends, and being crazy as a normal 19 should at the time).  but i stare at him and think " GOD DAMN you look good". why didn't i see it before. 

I let this pass over me b/c really,  what's the point. not only have i given up on a lovelife in rva, he knew me from 19 and he probably doesn't want anything to do with me know (I used to be serious drama!) 

i go to the back and smoke and drink and chat. he walks by. stops and says bye, holding out his hand. "I am leaving, but i might be back. it was good to see you". perfect smile, perfect hands. I clasp mine around his and say "it's always a pleasure." and he repeats it back to me and leaves.

I continue drinking and convince myself that we are going to be in love. that i've fallen in love with his man and he will be mine. I have a crazy dude tell me my fortune. it's all generic, but i place it all on this new dude. this dude that i dont know. this dude that im not trying to take home, but i want to travel the world with. I am out of my mine.

I see him again, talk for a moment and he's gone. I know where to find him, but he's not one to be chased. He just is. 

I stumble home and tell room mates to make him love me. I dont want to see his band play for anything other than the music. I dont want to hear your stories about him, i want to make my own. I am over head in booze and emotions. I am getting laughed at. 

I wake up the next morning convinced that this man would hate me anyways, and there is no point in trying to hunt him down. I dont know how to seduce a man anymore anyway. 

but for that evening, he was mine. and he was perfect. 

sex in richmond.

is dangerous.
its haunting.
it lingers in spaces.
phrases.
justifications.
in close quarters
dim light.
soft sentences.
just right.

unregulated.
self declared.
at a distant.
oh so rare.

raw.
and determined.
strong in dismay.
sought without malice
yet turned wreckless
with the day.

although.
it can be intimate
with passion
and given without tears.
lost in an instant and
fought for for years.

sex in richmond is
treacherous.
vulgar.
nasty and rude.
it may shock and amaze.
strike anywhere.
without notice or care.

it is anxious.
and ferocious.
it can ravage your soul.
leave you barren.
and broken.
lost and alone.

sex in richmond.
spills over glasses.
creaks in the floorboards.
hung over bar stool.
checked at the door.

sex in richmond.
is masked as love.
and given as affection.

sex in richmond.
can easily point you.
in the wrong direction.

sex in this city is.
far from the truth.
its not what your used to.

its a cycle of abuse.
its new.
its crisp.
its fresh off the boat.

its.
keeping up appearances.
caught in your throat.
on the tip of your tongue.
lodged between a rock.
and a hard place.

its what you wake up for.
dream about at night.
wish for on a star.
worth all the strife.


sex in richmond.
is alive.
its breathing.
its in between your sheets.
sex in richmond is coming.
and.
its happening.
as we speak.

I Am So Sorry Ladies

I am so sorry ladies. I am so sorry. I did what I fear most. I met someone. I met someone amazing. He is a man. He is strong. He is smart. I feel vulnerable and scared. I could love this guy. Real love. Not fake love. Not I'm bored so i could think you are sweet and learn to love you. I mean real love.

Like love that you fight for, love you die for, love you go to war for, love that moves mountains and make heroes out of us. Not love like in the movies but love like in the soul. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how he found me. But he did. My whole life got flipped upside down in a second. And now I am in this place.

This place where there is fear and hope. The two deadliest of feelings. This person has the power to hurt me and destroy me because he carries the power to build me up and help make me the woman that I have always dreamed to be. I look in his eyes and I see a strength I have always looked for. I want to wash his feet with my hair. I see a man.
Not a boy.
Not a boy.
Not a boy.
I've spent years trying to make guys into what I wanted them to be. I've spent years believing they would grow to their full potential but it wasn't until i met this guy that i realized I should have been waiting for him. He is beautiful. He is sweet. He tells me he has wanted to be with me for the past year. He tells me that he admires me. He tells me I am what a woman should be. He makes me feel beautiful. I feel beautiful. I am full of life and i am glowing. I don't care if it doesn't work out. I don't care if i have to forsake the world for him. He makes me feel each breath i take and that is more than anyone has ever done. He is beautiful. I FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I FEEL. I FEEL. I haven't felt in years. Its hard taking down the walls you have around your heart. It is hard ripping away at the scar tissue. Its hard allowing someone to see your true face and your true smile. I may regret this. I don't care. I am so in like its sick. He tells me he is afraid of me. He tells me that I am going to ruin him and he will write a million records dedicated to his heartbreak. I promise him we will ruin eachother.

I met his friends last night. They are amazing. They are nerdy jazz kids. They are perfect. He got on stage to perform three songs at the end to impress me. I stood in front of him dancing and holding a cloth so I could wipe the sweat off his brow. The moment he got off stage i slammed his against a wall and kissed him. He is mine. Let the fucking world know. Where do I go from here. Its is day four. he is in my blood and my thoughts.

something different.

for as long as i can remember.
i have been obsessed with sex.
obsessed.
i remember in elementary school .
when it all began.
of course i was the one.
who in her pretty little dress.
and braids.
was chasing down little white boys.
and shoving her tongue down their throats.
the kissy-wissy girls we called ourselves.
and we were fabulous.
sitting on top of the jungle gym.
so all the boys could see up our skirts.

i was obsessed with sex.
it seemed like my Barbie tea parties.
always ended with a free for all.
fuck feast at the Barbie Mansion.

there are so many memories that i pull back.
that im sure i have shoved away.
so many strange and inappropriate actions.
that i have not idea where they stemmed from.

i recall sitting in the back of the bus in 5th grade.
and letting boys touch my tits under my training bra.
i remember the power that i felt.
the excitement.
i wanted to show them more.
to more people.
i wanted everyone to know .
the secret.
under my sweater.

and i remember my first kiss.
he was my first crush.
and he was a family friend.
our mothers would drink together.
and we would sit in his room.
covered with Batman.
and he would touch my boobs.
and we'd kiss.
and lay on top of each other naked.

the same situation goes
for my first girl kiss.
she was my best friend.
and i wanted her all my life.
i knew there was something there.
we'd have sleepovers.
and i would get those butterflies inside.
and i wanted to touch her skin.
and i wanted to taste her.
and then one day.
we were all of 11.
sitting on her bed.
and she kissed me.
and we kissed.
and touched each other.
and i felt her breast.
and they felt like mine.
and i touched her hair .
and it was nappy like mine.
and her hips were wide.
her lips were thick.
like me.
like mine.
i was touching myself.

and then for awhile.
i was afraid.
scare to death of myself.
and of sex.
and of men the most.

it took me all the way.
until graduation.
to finally.
actually.
pop that cherry.

and it was horrible.
not horrible in the sense of bad sex.
but horrible in the wtf kinda way.
at the time i thought it was great.
but.
in the most typical of typicality.
losing my virginity.
was like a plot.
from a John Hughes film.

graduation party.
ex best friend's.
ex boyfriend.
he was beautiful.
and rich.
and.
white as the day is long.
and i was.
crazy.
and loud.
and black.
and defiantly loving it.
and he wanted it.
he wanted me.
he wanted something different.

they all do.
but me fucking white guys.
is a tale for another time.

i digress...

i remember telling myself.
i was going to fuck him.
and i pushed up my tits.
and i licked my lips.
and wore black lace.
and drank Jameson straight from the bottle.
the party ended up.
on the floor.
in that empty mansion.
everyone laying on top of each other.
children.
waiting for something to happen.
we shared a blanket.
he grabbed my face.
this boy.
this massive beautiful blue eyed devil.
with his strong hands.
grabbed my brown skin.
and almost ripped it off.
he wanted something new.
he wanted it badly.
he kissed me hard .
and i felt he white dick
pressing through his Dockers.
he wanted it.
and i was gonna give it to him.
give him some strange.
he slipped he hand up my skirt.
and i remember the first time.
his hand touched my pussy.
and he breathed out the words "my god"
i was ready.
i was wet with fear and want.
i was soaked with excitement.
and it wasnt about losing my virginity.
i just wanted him.
inside me.
and he was.
and as quick as he was in.
he was out.

and i was there.
underwear at my knees.
cum slowly drying on my stomach.
and that is when i realized.
that as bad as i wanted him.
and despite how amazing the hunt.
and how satisfying the kill.
i just got fucked.
and i was still hungry.

needless to say.
im sure that.
the aforementioned situation.
has led me to be the.
cum thirsty beast i am today.
i then.
was young and naive.
and spent to much time on my back.
when i should have been taking it from behind.
i wanted something different.
something new.
having enough bad sex.
has taught me that its not actually sex.
unless i cum too.

and id never take it back.
like i said.
from as far back i can remember.
i have been obsessed with sex.
i am a women possessed.
i am a women obsessed.

Where is my pride.

Tonight is the night. Henry Dance Party. A Stop Light Party. Famous for massive hookup potential. What color best describes me is gold. Gold for Magnum. Gold for Rich. Gold for Im a whore. So I recently met a 19 year old guy who i thought was gay. He is not gay. I am going to fuck him. Have a good night.

The Bottle Never Stops Spinning

So the other night I went to a gay club. I visit the gay club on a weekly basis. The possibility of seeing half naked hot guys make out is reason enough to walk a mile in heels in the pouring rain. So I arrive at the club with my crew, we check our furs and our purses. The door guy gives me shit as usual and the lesbians hold their girlfriends a little tighter at the sight of our presence. We are fucking beautiful and we are fucking loaded. I am on the prowl for a hot dance floor make out and I don't give a shit about the rules I will take any one's bitch. Every day is my fucking birthday.

I don't know if its because finals are over or if everyone is going crazy from being locked in their apartments during this Moses like rainstorm but everyone is going fucking MAD. Shirts are off, People are fucking wasted, lesbians and fucking in the bathroom and making out on the dance floor. I am watching in amazement. My friends are visiting from Berlin and they are clearly the bells of the ball. They accept drink after drink as 20 year old boys throw their best lines. The night is wonderful. I meet a group of guys that are wonderful. Fashionable, Tall, Smart I've hit the gay landmine.

I quickly pick my favorite gay and we get lost in conversation. I tell him what a tramp I am and how I am in desperate need for a beautiful boy to be my partner in crime. I tell him how I go through men like tampons. I give him explicit details about how I suck and fuck them. I share manipulation stories and we are laughing our asses off. He listens and tells me he has not had sex in 4 months. I gasp "GASP" and take a drink of my long island ice tea. I tell him " I refuse to believe it" I then tell him I will make sure he gets fucked by a hot guy tonight. he says.

I'm not gay.

I freeze

i freeze

SHITTTTTTTTTTT so embarrassing I've met a beautiful boy. A beautiful boy that I would devour with one bite. And I've told him everything about me. My whoredom, my complexes, my obsession for sex. And he's not gay. He is not sharing in my love for evilness. I am exposed and not comfortable. I quickly turn it around.

I Tell him "oh you are straight that's great". "So you sleep with girls then". He says yes. I immediately ask for his number and tell him that he has to hang out with me tomorrow and that I will most likely try to have sex with him. He adds my number while they scream last call and my friends from Berlin grab me and tell me we are going to a party to smoke a shit ton of weed.

I jump in a car with 2 hot gay guys and two girls. We speed in the rain to an apartment located deep inside a labyrinth. We begin drinking vodka immediately. We are talking about Europe, We are talking about fucking, I am surrounded by beautiful people. I am full of life. We drink more vodka. We are drunk. The bottle lands of the floor spinning. And it continues to spin.

I am kissed passionately by some of the most beautiful gay men I have ever seen. My lips and my mind wander. This is Richmond. This is my life. Spin the Bottle. Amazing friends. Strong Weed. This is home.

Richmond has a drinking problem

Alright so I have been making out with this boy for the past month and half, maybe even two. It has been very fun. I have been keeping it PG because I am not so sure I am ready to have sex again after ending a really long relationship at the end of the summer. So these make outs have gotten pretty hot and heavy. He takes my instruction very well and bites my nipples and pulls my hair. Everytime we have made out I have felt his dick pulsing against my leg, so I know its there. Recently they have become even more hot and my vagina is screaming for pleasure, but I am trying a new thing out called will power. So we have gotten down to our underwear and continued to suck, lick and bite each other. The other night I decided I was definitely not ready to have sex and I told him that which he took somewhat well and things were looking good. Of course that only made me want him more. Naturally the next night aided by PBR, the Richmond social juice, I took him home. Only this time I wanted more, the kissing and licking and biting was more than I could bare. I ripped the boys clothes off and he was very very excited. Then I took all my clothes off and was ready to go, condom on and everything (boy could wear a magnum, total shocker). And just when it was getting good, boner killed!!!! I hate whiskey and drunk stupid boys who cant get boners!!! Ugh!!!

and the oscar goes to.....

ladies, we need to tighten up here. 

no posting in a week. No new news anyone wants to share. Are you going to tell me that no one is getting any? I think there would be some really angry men in this city if that were true.

Just to make this interesting, I am opening this up for discussion: who has faked it? and why?

I have. Dated one dude, FUN sex, never got me off, still had the best time, NEVER faked it. Dated another who got me off every time. The one i ended up faked it with, boy number 3, was b/c i really cared about him, and we had bedroom issues. He needed to think that he 

was making me cum so his self confidence would be up, so he would keep fucking me. I know, it's a lie. I know it's fucked up, i told myself i'd never ever fake it. But this boy was different. I wanted to protect him. put a glass case around him and watch him grow into this amazing man. He was a good guy. and he needed to feel like he was doing a good job. and it wasn't that he wasn't doing a good job, he was. I am not push button. I have to been in certain positions to get off and those really didn't work with him. sometimes i'd fake it so he would stop focusing on me getting off and just go back to focusing on fucking me. it was a lot more enjoyable.

I kinda still feel like a shit about it though.

Any one else want to share their faking it/not faking it stories???? 

Control

Im an ass and accidently deleted my blog. here we go.

I ended up making out with one of my best friends this weekend. I have no problem with that. I always end up making out with my dude friends while im single. I dont ever let it go too far b/c i know myself and it would get weird. But making out is totally open for business.

so, friday night we all go out dancing, and he's randomly feeling my boobs. Again, this should be odd, but I dont give a shit. I could care less if one of my friends is grabbing my tits.

night continues, and i watch someone i want go home with another girl. fucking great.

best friend and i end up at my house, small talk, light comments and all of a sudden 

we are making out. he has me all over the kitchen. Slammed against counters while one hand is around my throat and his face is buried in my breasts. I tell him to leave, he says "ok" and then pulls my top back down. I feel my control lessening. I tell him i am not letting this go further and i walk him to the door. he slams me again the wall and with one had choking me the other is dancing all over my body. he gently bends me over the sofa and rubs his hard dick on my ass. He tells me we can go upstairs to continue. he's found my wea

kness. I have to gain my control back. I tell him no, and allow him to keep kissing me...knowing the whole time that he's going to leave and im going to sleep spread eagle in my bed, alone. 

Right before i kick him out, i tease the shit out of him with my hands. open the door and "get the fuck out".

he walks home, texting me that it was fun, and we worked so well together. I tell him "yeah yeah yeah" and i get bored with the conversation and tell him im going to bed. He continues to write and then walks back over, knocking on the door and calling me. 

I pretend to be asleep.

I could have fucked him. It could have been amazing. but the power did more for me than any man has in a long time.