Thursday, August 6, 2009
I don't want to listen to music right now. I don't want to be reminded of good times or bad times. I don't want to be sitting here looking at someone baby feeding me spoon fulls of old shit that has been sitting on their lips for months. I don't know why I refuse to learn from the past. This chess game of life that I am always losing has gotten old. Same guy, Same Bullshit, Same excuses, Same its not you its me when in reality its, it's not you it's just that you are not her. I have not been her for the majority of my life. And I thank the Gods for that. Thank you for giving me the foresight to see that all these men; these boys who dream of an oil painted future framed by the sides of a black and white television are living a delusion that I am glad that is impossible to be cast in.
I am no saint but I am surely a good Woman. I cook for him, clean for him, I bathe the man, I clothe him, I sing his songs I hold him at night, I rub his muscles when he is sore. I am always the first person he calls when he is in need. I feel his heart when it hurts. I bind the books he reads and I support the walls around his head and I am still not good enough.
He tells me if I was his girlfriend officially then things would be different. If we had a spiritual connection everything would be better. We would kiss more and have better sex. "What we have is different because there's no future. " I've had amazing sex in the past when I've been in a relationship where there is trust". "you know when I was younger" "younger with who sweetheart". "oh of course".
this is Richmond. this is my heart. this is my head. this is these glasses sitting on the point of my nose as he sits there and tells me he wants to know what I think. I think you are simply you. you are you. A complete man.
What I think is I don't deserve you. Let me be alone forever rather than feel as unimportant as I do now. Let me lay alone in bed forever before I have someone looking at me wishing they could care. I am embarrassed about how much I talk about you to my friends. I am embarrassed about telling them how I feel about you. I look like a fool. I feel like a fool. I am laying here typing as you take off your shorts and lay down next to me. I like to feel you against me at night. The slightest touch of your body against mine makes my senses light up. I am happy, I am confident. Why do I keep doing this.
I give him my all with only asking to withhold one phrase. I refuse to tell you I love you. I refuse to say those words. What does three meals a day mean. What does our sex mean our kisses mean. What does every fucking day that I go to work come home happy to see you. Happy to be with you. Happy to believe in you. I thought you were happy. I thought we were happy.
Please leave and find someone better suited for you. I will not live a life based on lies. I will not promise someone a future that is non-existent. How can I promise forever when it is not in my grasp. I am just a Woman with my own personal life. I wanted you to be a part of my life as well but I clearly must have read the script incorrectly.