Thursday, August 6, 2009

It happens again

I don't want to listen to music right now. I don't want to be reminded of good times or bad times. I don't want to be sitting here looking at someone baby feeding me spoon fulls of old shit that has been sitting on their lips for months. I don't know why I refuse to learn from the past. This chess game of life that I am always losing has gotten old. Same guy, Same Bullshit, Same excuses, Same its not you its me when in reality its, it's not you it's just that you are not her. I have not been her for the majority of my life. And I thank the Gods for that. Thank you for giving me the foresight to see that all these men; these boys who dream of an oil painted future framed by the sides of a black and white television are living a delusion that I am glad that is impossible to be cast in.

I am no saint but I am surely a good Woman. I cook for him, clean for him, I bathe the man, I clothe him, I sing his songs I hold him at night, I rub his muscles when he is sore. I am always the first person he calls when he is in need. I feel his heart when it hurts. I bind the books he reads and I support the walls around his head and I am still not good enough.

He tells me if I was his girlfriend officially then things would be different. If we had a spiritual connection everything would be better. We would kiss more and have better sex. "What we have is different because there's no future. " I've had amazing sex in the past when I've been in a relationship where there is trust". "you know when I was younger" "younger with who sweetheart". "oh of course".

this is Richmond. this is my heart. this is my head. this is these glasses sitting on the point of my nose as he sits there and tells me he wants to know what I think. I think you are simply you. you are you. A complete man.

What I think is I don't deserve you. Let me be alone forever rather than feel as unimportant as I do now. Let me lay alone in bed forever before I have someone looking at me wishing they could care. I am embarrassed about how much I talk about you to my friends. I am embarrassed about telling them how I feel about you. I look like a fool. I feel like a fool. I am laying here typing as you take off your shorts and lay down next to me. I like to feel you against me at night. The slightest touch of your body against mine makes my senses light up. I am happy, I am confident. Why do I keep doing this.

I give him my all with only asking to withhold one phrase. I refuse to tell you I love you. I refuse to say those words. What does three meals a day mean. What does our sex mean our kisses mean. What does every fucking day that I go to work come home happy to see you. Happy to be with you. Happy to believe in you. I thought you were happy. I thought we were happy.

Please leave and find someone better suited for you. I will not live a life based on lies. I will not promise someone a future that is non-existent. How can I promise forever when it is not in my grasp. I am just a Woman with my own personal life. I wanted you to be a part of my life as well but I clearly must have read the script incorrectly.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I can't do it and I refuse to. I can't do relationships. The baggage the confusion the expectations it is archaec at best. Its just seems so elementry to me. It feels like giving up or giving in. A human being can live to be 100 years old. You can be sippin wine smoking a joint chilling hard on your 1ooth brithday. Why is it that women start freaking out after dating someone for 2 years I mean i know women who freak out after 2 months and yes it is women, we are to blame. We demand marriage, responsibilities and worst of all reproduction. It's sickening. I can't do it. I am freaking out on a serious level. I don't want to be anyones anything. There is a world full of men and women that I want to and will fuck the shit out of and then honestly forget.

Basing a life off of someone you have spent 2 percent of our life with is mathematically retarded. Not to mention a good 90 percent of things you want in life are based off of the genius brainwashing of televison and gender roles being reinforced ever time a commercial airs. Do we really like cleaning that much. Are we really that enthralled with shoe closets and chocolate. I myself and not. I am abandaning ship my friends. I am declaring my search for freedom. Those who want to come with me are more than welcome. The rest of you can keep puting on your makeup and reading books about what men want.

It's so irritating. I feel a huge disconnect from my sex. I feel that I am fighting against this clock. This clock is a war. I see my ladies falling. I see my ladies missing in action. I see them blown up in front of my eyes. I see them covered in napalm. I see babies. Lots of cute babies I want to hold them. They are adorable. I will fight this. Many of my ladies lose sight of the battle. one minute they are fighting the good fight and the next they are buying a swifter cleaner complaining about some guy not committing.
What am I to do.

I thought that one day I would find a warrior I could stand behind. We would live and learn together and I would be his and he would be mine. That life does not exist. I have become my warrior and I am perfectly satisfied with myself.

I'm just going on and on none of this matters. really it doesn't. its just my thoughts running. I am drinking a bottle of wine tonight. I deserve it. I am fighting yet another invisible demon in my mind. I am going to vanish one day. I can't wait.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

its my prerogative.

i had been stingy.
a prude you might say.
after years of giving it up.
and putting it out.
id made the decision.
to put it away.

i wasn't sucking.
or blowing.
or going.

i was stale.
we'd lay beside each other.
his dick in arms reach.
but id resist.

tempted to touch.

i remembered those nights.
when the only reason we'd sleep.
is because we couldn't come anymore.

i fantasized.
about those days.
bent over.
in front of open windows.

across something domestic.

wet with more than laundry.
but instead.
with pure lust.
and emotion.
and infatuation.

disgusting sex.
that would make any happy home.
a whorehouse.

i had cut that off.

until recently.
that is.

after laying there.
nights of waiting.
dick with in grab.

i made like at&t.
and reach out.
and touched someone.

not only did i touch.
i sucked.
and i fucked.
i shoved.
and pulled.

every place it could go.
every way it could fit.

i forced myself through the bullshit.
and the spite.
to pure pleasure.

i watch his face.
devour me.
and i felt myself.
put it out.

as his face dripped.
with come.
i shook as i took it in.

when i tasted myself.
on his tongue.
i gave it up.

and i left it.
on the sheets.
on his fingers.
in the air.

and it was worth it.
worth the waiting.
and the hesitation.
the restraint.

and after all that questioning.
decision making.

its obvious.
no matter how.
much i give it away.

ive still got it.
and its better.
than it was before.

Monday, March 16, 2009

just do it already....

So I took some time off from sex. I needed time to recover from a broken heart, and just wasn't ready to expose my body (and emotions) to intimacy.

That part of my life, is over, and afterward I realized my favorite part of sex: the first entry.

you are naked, waiting, wanting it and then that first thrust while your muscles are so tight. You feel the force it takes to get him in you. You feel yourself wrapping around him. your mind ceases to function, words or thoughts, just fuuuuuuccccckkk.
The noises that come out you've never heard, like a dick that plugged some hole that created complex thought. you are dumb. you want it over and over and start grabbing at him and can't stop. won't stop. will not stop. just go go go. more. harder. again and again.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Never Again

So I let him cum on my face. I Recently lost my virginity and have been trying new things in this world of sex that has become my new fascination and slight nightmare. well it was horrible. I don't feel sexy I feel like I'm going to have an acne breakout and blemishes that last forever as a reminder never to let a guy cum on my face again.

I sucked the essence out of his dick.

I'm at work and all I can think about is riding him like a cowboy on a fucking bull. I want to lock my knees and hold on for dear life. I want to lace myself up in a corset that is far to small for my breast and heels way to high to walk in. He doesn't care about any of that stuff but it makes me feel like a vixen so I lace up my boots. When he looks at me I know I am the finest Women he has ever tasted. I am almost a God. He kisses me sweetly like he always does and then he aggressively pushes me on the bed. I lay down and he slaps my ass and flips me over. I love getting fucked from behind.


I make his black snake moan. When he cums his top lip rolls back and his crooked teeth stick out. I love those stupid fucking teeth. He makes me cum every time. I think my vagina tries to suck the essence out of his dick. NO, My vagina sucks the essence out of his dick. The tattoo on his chest lifts up and down as his breathing slows down. I roll over and I place my hand under my left breast in a puddle of sweat and cum. These sheets are dirty and so am I.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I do not understand

When hanging out with someone it becomes harder and harder with each day to be honest with feelings. Becoming vulnerable is never easy and so telling someone you really do like them can be difficult, especially for me. Recently I have been running into that problem and it has been putting a damper on my current situation. However, in recent days I have finally taken the plunge and admitted my happiness, and now it is being held against me. Now that I am being honest and telling the person I like that I do indeed like them, I am no longer sexually desireable. Now I wish I could backpedal and take it all back so I can continue to enjoy myself without the awkwardness that now exists because of my honesty. I am comepletely dumbfounded that after being hassled for not being honest now my honesty is causing more of a problem.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

DTF Richmond?


Oh my, apparently according to my friends I am not the nicest person when I haven’t had sex in awhile. I have this guy friend that is a little bit more than just a friend and we have been dating on off for about 6 years now. Physically he is beautiful but he is crazy, hence the reason why we have not been able to date consistently. Recently we both had decided to meet up and go on a date and have sex afterwards. But when I could not get to his place the time he wanted me there, he jerked off and I was left in the cold horny as shit (more to story too many details). Desperate, I went into my pocket and dug out an old booty call. That ended up being disastrous because that guy had smoked too much weed the night before we hooked up and kept getting tired.

So, for a week I suffered with the memory of a bad lay, good sex pasted and bloody pads (cause I was on my period). After that week, my period ended, and I ran into a good friend at Ipanema and told her the situation. She told me to text him and get that good sex I wanted. She told me that I should be able to get laid in this city no problem and just text him “dtf”? I was like really? That will work? So, I let her and her friend text him “dtf”? Cause I was kinda over it. He shouldn’t had been inpatient and I thought to myself why was he being such an ass and was he really worth my time? But when my friend told me to just text him, I realized my problem. I need to not think so much about things and just say what I want. Sex is sex, and if I want it I should ask for it. Like TLC said: “ain’t too proud to beg, nah”.

Anyways, he responds to the text and we end up sending each other sexy texts all night and making plans to fuck the next day. I wanted to kiss my friend for helping me get some, cause good sex is like chocolate cake or brownies; fucking great! I went to the guy’s place the next day, we talked, he apologized, I looked hot and then he took me to his room and started kissing me. His lips were like heaven and as he kissed me he started to take my clothes off. He took off my shirt, then my bra and let me keep my boots on. Then he laid me out on his bed and sucked on my breast and bit my nipples softly while fingering me. He put his fingers in deep when he would bite and caress my clit as well. He was like: “it this what you want”? I was like hell yeah! And then he started to lick around my pussy still fingering and alternating bites and sucking on my breast. I was so turned on and then he placed another finger slowly in my ass and I felt like my body was warming. He then kneeled over and kissed me while still alternating fingers on my clit, pussy, and butt. Amazing he was, and then he whispered in my ear: “should I get a condom”? I said, yes. But before he went to get a condom I gave him some amazing head. He got a condom turned me over and placed me doggy style with my ass hanging off the side of his bed and he was behind me. He fucked me doggy style and I could feel his balls slapping my ass. He spanked me hard and my butt jiggled and he went deeper while holding my neck. He started fucking faster and I starting cuming while he was choking me gently slapping his balls against my ass. Then he pulled me in close to him and put his dick in deep and whispered in my ear he was going to cum. His roommates were home and I am sure they heard me moan. I orgasm, and he cumed in my mouth and on my breasts.

Moral of story: dtf text works and if you want sex just say so.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

what a man...

I used to have a man who...

-could fuck me four times a day, for a year.
-would beg me to blow him.
-love to rip my tank top in half as foreplay.
-i hated which made the sex even better.
-slip his fingers in me whenever he could.
-would go down on me while he was on the phone.
-who routinely wanted me to shove my fingers in his ass while blowing him.
-I had a foursome with.
-had the most beautiful dick ever.
- traveled 6 hours for a booty call.
- loved to fuck me on my room mates bed.
- said the most beautiful part of a woman was her "belly".

I used to have a man who would fuck me, period. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

if you fuck them, they will cum.

i want to fuck him.

i want to fuck him so bad.

i can smell his dick on my breath.
i can taste his cum in my mouth.
i can feel my breast pressed against his face.
his stubble on my thighs.

i lay awake at night.
and i dream about it.
i masturbate the the sheer thought of
sitting in the same room.
touching his skin.
i want him inside me.
whether its once.
or twice.
or for years.

im smiling all the time.
im constantly wet from him voice.
his language.
hes been mind fucking me for weeks now.
tearin that brain up.
leaving a trail of bread crumbs that leads
directly to his lap.

i want to get on all fours.
and let him fuck me like a the bitch i am.
i want to put his dick in my mouth and sing at the top of my lungs.
i want him to pull my hair.
cum on my face.
i want him to shove my face in the bed.
and fuck me like i told him "no."

i want to show him how good it feels to fuck me.

but i cant.
or can i.
who am i.
what the fuck am i doing.

all this.
all this lust inside me.
i seeps out my skin.
you can smell the dishonesty.
you can read the shadiness all over my face.
how long will i wait.
how far will i drag this dead horse.
before i give in.

i wish i would have walked away.
i should have never smiled.
or taken that drink.
turned around and not looked back.
then i wouldnt be here.
i wouldnt be distracted.
and frustrated.
and down to fuck.

sometimes im psychic.
and i can see the future.
and i see myself.
on top.
fucking his brains out.
and loving every minute of it.

if you fuck them.
they will cum.
i will ruin this for everyone.

dick sucking

I am rather shy sexually at first. I am not totally comfortable with my naked body and being sexual. However, when I do begin to get comfortable, good things can start to happen. I have never been a fan of blowjobs. For some reason I was never into it, never thought I had the skills, never was really requested of me, so I sort of ignored that they existed. My new boy however has an amazing dick and I couldnt keep my mouth off it. I woke up the morning after all night romping and just could not help from starting my day with a nice long blow job, followed naturally by some more morning romping. I fucking love dick sucking now. Hooray! thats all...Fucking is awesome too!

Friday, January 30, 2009

This is where I've been

I dont understand why im so good at what i do. i dont understand why it is so easy. I remember it being harder I remember it being more challenging. I remember a race, a chase a winner and a loser. Am i that on top. Sometimes I only have to look at them once sometimes I only have to look at them for a second. I know their bodies I know their mind. I know how to wake them up how to lay them down. I've had mind blowing sex for the past 6 years of my life. Sometimes It gets cold and I go without for a while but it always comes back. My current love is a beautiful, beautiful man. a poet. He takes me somewhere else he touches me and I am someone else. He pulls my hair and grasp my chest from behind. He calls me by my name. I reply yes. I cum everytime. My body resoponds.

i'm a fucking pornstar

i became a pornographer the other day. I walked into a room. I took off my shoes and my socks. My friends and fellow directors told me to take off my clothes and put on a robe. I looked across the room at my newly met counterpart and soon to be fake fuck partner. He was cute. Cuter than me but not more confident.

I pulled out a bag of weed I smuggled on the china town bus and began inhaling as much as my lungs could take. I drank some Whiskey and my body does what it always does when i have whiskey and beer in it. I want to fuck. I want it asap.

I was nervous for one very long second. I thought what if I can't give this guy a boner. What if I dont turn him on. I will fucking kill myself and laugh at him and tell him he's gay. thats what i'll do. But luckily I'm hot as shit and no boner can resit all powerful me.

The shoot lasted for hours. Hours of hard boners against me, my nipples being pulled on, my hair being tugged, my ass being slapped, wet fingers inside of me, fucking heaven on earth.

The last five shots we were screaming for them to fucking hurry up and finish. They put the camera on the bed. "winked at me to get a jizz shot". And we smoked a bowl and made out. I told him I'd fuck him in the bathroom later. He agreed it was a good idea and rolled another blunt. I felt like a fucking rockstar. My girls and I are going to be fucking millionfuckingaires.

we didn't fuck.
dudes are all over me, dudes are all over me

Saturday, January 10, 2009


I had the best new years of my life. A group of ladies and i went to NYC to visit friends. We were lucky enough to stay in brooklyn and it just so happens that a huge NYE party was going on at said apt. 
we all go out and get cute cheap vintage dresses, and start on the tequila. we were told that about 150 people were supposed to roll through. people wanted booty jams, so on goes my ipod. 
Within moments their apt is filled with people and im on shot number 4 of tequila.

And let me explain, im not usually a heavy drinker, I usually stay clear of liquors and stick to beer. But one thing i found out is that I become the woman i've always wanted to be on tequila. 
Then HE walks in. Tall, dark, slim and with the most amazing 70's porn start stache ever! I walk up, tell him i think he's hot, and the man follows me like a puppy dog all night. I have NO CLUE what i said to him, or what we talked about other than his name, he was 34 and owned an art gallery...which I thought was a totally lie. I figured this amazing looking man saw this drunk girl visiting from out of town and thought he needed to throw her lines....but he didn't. I didn't care about any of that, i thought he was hot, and i wanted him.
it took me a little bit, but finally we started to make out. And make out we did. On the stairs, in the hallway, on the dance floor, inside, outside. 
the man's hands were all over me. pinning me against the wall and hiking my dress up, pulling at my panty hose and trying to slip his fingers in me. it took me a moment to realize that none of that was going on in private but instead at the top of the stairs where everyone can see. I went back to dancing. 
then pulled him into a dark corner and pushing him against the wall. he pulled at my hands to touch him, but there was a level of fear within me. I rubbed him over his clothes, he was hard as a rock, and wanting me. I was at a friends house and kept thinking, "no you dont know him, and he's a liar, just keep it simple'. I walked away and it took him a few minutes to get back to the party to adjust himself. 
Party ends, he wants me to come home with him. "Im a good girl, and i need to stay here". he gives me his number. He is so fucking hot. i want to go home with him, but he's a sleeze. he's a liar. i dont know him. I dont know brooklyn. I kiss him hard one last time, and he gets one last grab on my tits and leaves. 
I drunk text him saying 'thanks for making my new years". he writes back that he lives close by and i should come over. I am wasted, one eye closed and i can't move from the couch. I tell him no, and he just keeps writing me that he wants to fuck me. and cum on my perfect tits and my sweet little ass. he wants me so badly, he needs me to call him and talk to him. talk him through it. 
the next morning i wake up and tell my friends about him, still assuming he was a liar. 
NOPE. international artist and owns two galleries in NYC. FUCK ME! why was i a prude. why was i scared? I am almost 30 and i could have had the hot as fuck gallery owner/artist fuck me good and hard. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! 

photo is of him. face blocked for obvious reason

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of liking someone enough to give them a chance with me and wanting to be unattached. I want to give this boy a chance, because I really do like him. However, Richmond's silly gossip trail has left me second guessing myself. I like to think I am stronger and more self assured than to allow silly rumors and harsh words deter me from what I want. However, I am not sure I know what I want and therefore I am allowing other people to affect my decisions. I want to scream at everyone around me judging my motives and what I do. I want to live!! and not be bothered by anyone else.
The boy is so super nice to me and treats me with the utmost respect. I feel like a goddess when I am around him and that is wonderful. Why is it that people around me scoff at the idea of him, and why do I care. Maybe I need to escape this city for a weekend, maybe I need a reality check, maybe I need to ignore all the caddy stares. I do not know what I should do in order to reach a sense of clarity, but I need it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

i'll take two shots of whiskey

I feel like i just built a roof on my house and im waiting for it to rain.

I just sabotaged my relationshiop with honesty. With pure hormone driven truth. Im sitting in my room thinking. Its going on 6 am and it's not that I had a metldown. It's not the holidays. Its not january or the stress it's just I wanted a real moment. I wanted an hour of my day to be pure. Pure emotion, fear, selfishness, flaws exposed, holding my breath.

Hello, here is the real me. I do not have baggage. I do not have scars. It is not my past. This is me no excuses. This is a piece of my heart. I am shaking and trembling with it in my hand. And I am so scared and I want you to have it. I want you to take it. But I know if you do that I will never get it back. Then I will have less, less than I already have. I'm a hot fucking mess I tell you that. I'm a huge fucking mess that is not a mess at all. I know who I am. I created this. I built this magnificent machine from the ground up and I'm great. I am more than amazing. I'm going to have a real life. I am going to change myself, you and then the world. If you don't realize that then you are a fool. And if you think I am having a fit then you are wrong sir. This is who I am and I am not afraid of you knowing my mind. If you are scared, if you are scared of all that I am and I am going to be.

I understand. You should be. I could ruin you. I just want to know that you would risk it. Just risk it for a chance. I feel your touch in my hair, my toes, my eyelashes I want to know your mind. I want to study what is you. You interest me more than slightly. Its a hard road ahead either way. You have to either earn me or forget me. I will not regret today.

I pray for wings made out of wax

i dont even know why you like me. I guess I'm okay looking and successful and witty but im a fucking nut. I'm not trainable, demanding, hypocritical, judgemental. Not to mention my questionable past. I am a trained manipulator and I very selfish. Why are you not more afraid. I could hurt you baby.

What if I change again I like you so much. That first night with you I changed as a person. Really I didI felt like i was breathing. I was on air and under water at the same time. I really don't see why you like me. I don't understand why you call. I've had to be strong my whole life. I just want to feel. What if I'm just some experiment for your mind. What if we are just memories of something we saw and thought we wanted. A personification of collected memory in tangible form. I know we are taking it slow. I know we are not even officially dating and I'm putting all this shit on you but who gives a shit. This is my heart. This is how I feel. These are my thought unedited my tears blurring my vision and my fear of you seeing my real reflection. This is my fear of falling. And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. I am. And I'm difficult and I will only expect the best from you always. And it will be a lot of work. And I hate feeling like I'm auditioning to be in your life. And i hate these hormones and I hate these emotions.

I hate what you might be thinking. And I hate a lot of other things. I understand if you never talk to me again this is crazy. But this is me. Please don't rip my heart out my chest. I would pretend i wasn't hurt but i would be fucking miserable.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

the year of me

holy shit. i actually went out on a date. 

I dont know what the fuck im doing.