Friday, January 30, 2009

This is where I've been

I dont understand why im so good at what i do. i dont understand why it is so easy. I remember it being harder I remember it being more challenging. I remember a race, a chase a winner and a loser. Am i that on top. Sometimes I only have to look at them once sometimes I only have to look at them for a second. I know their bodies I know their mind. I know how to wake them up how to lay them down. I've had mind blowing sex for the past 6 years of my life. Sometimes It gets cold and I go without for a while but it always comes back. My current love is a beautiful, beautiful man. a poet. He takes me somewhere else he touches me and I am someone else. He pulls my hair and grasp my chest from behind. He calls me by my name. I reply yes. I cum everytime. My body resoponds.

i'm a fucking pornstar

i became a pornographer the other day. I walked into a room. I took off my shoes and my socks. My friends and fellow directors told me to take off my clothes and put on a robe. I looked across the room at my newly met counterpart and soon to be fake fuck partner. He was cute. Cuter than me but not more confident.

I pulled out a bag of weed I smuggled on the china town bus and began inhaling as much as my lungs could take. I drank some Whiskey and my body does what it always does when i have whiskey and beer in it. I want to fuck. I want it asap.

I was nervous for one very long second. I thought what if I can't give this guy a boner. What if I dont turn him on. I will fucking kill myself and laugh at him and tell him he's gay. thats what i'll do. But luckily I'm hot as shit and no boner can resit all powerful me.

The shoot lasted for hours. Hours of hard boners against me, my nipples being pulled on, my hair being tugged, my ass being slapped, wet fingers inside of me, fucking heaven on earth.

The last five shots we were screaming for them to fucking hurry up and finish. They put the camera on the bed. "winked at me to get a jizz shot". And we smoked a bowl and made out. I told him I'd fuck him in the bathroom later. He agreed it was a good idea and rolled another blunt. I felt like a fucking rockstar. My girls and I are going to be fucking millionfuckingaires.

we didn't fuck.
dudes are all over me, dudes are all over me

Saturday, January 10, 2009


I had the best new years of my life. A group of ladies and i went to NYC to visit friends. We were lucky enough to stay in brooklyn and it just so happens that a huge NYE party was going on at said apt. 
we all go out and get cute cheap vintage dresses, and start on the tequila. we were told that about 150 people were supposed to roll through. people wanted booty jams, so on goes my ipod. 
Within moments their apt is filled with people and im on shot number 4 of tequila.

And let me explain, im not usually a heavy drinker, I usually stay clear of liquors and stick to beer. But one thing i found out is that I become the woman i've always wanted to be on tequila. 
Then HE walks in. Tall, dark, slim and with the most amazing 70's porn start stache ever! I walk up, tell him i think he's hot, and the man follows me like a puppy dog all night. I have NO CLUE what i said to him, or what we talked about other than his name, he was 34 and owned an art gallery...which I thought was a totally lie. I figured this amazing looking man saw this drunk girl visiting from out of town and thought he needed to throw her lines....but he didn't. I didn't care about any of that, i thought he was hot, and i wanted him.
it took me a little bit, but finally we started to make out. And make out we did. On the stairs, in the hallway, on the dance floor, inside, outside. 
the man's hands were all over me. pinning me against the wall and hiking my dress up, pulling at my panty hose and trying to slip his fingers in me. it took me a moment to realize that none of that was going on in private but instead at the top of the stairs where everyone can see. I went back to dancing. 
then pulled him into a dark corner and pushing him against the wall. he pulled at my hands to touch him, but there was a level of fear within me. I rubbed him over his clothes, he was hard as a rock, and wanting me. I was at a friends house and kept thinking, "no you dont know him, and he's a liar, just keep it simple'. I walked away and it took him a few minutes to get back to the party to adjust himself. 
Party ends, he wants me to come home with him. "Im a good girl, and i need to stay here". he gives me his number. He is so fucking hot. i want to go home with him, but he's a sleeze. he's a liar. i dont know him. I dont know brooklyn. I kiss him hard one last time, and he gets one last grab on my tits and leaves. 
I drunk text him saying 'thanks for making my new years". he writes back that he lives close by and i should come over. I am wasted, one eye closed and i can't move from the couch. I tell him no, and he just keeps writing me that he wants to fuck me. and cum on my perfect tits and my sweet little ass. he wants me so badly, he needs me to call him and talk to him. talk him through it. 
the next morning i wake up and tell my friends about him, still assuming he was a liar. 
NOPE. international artist and owns two galleries in NYC. FUCK ME! why was i a prude. why was i scared? I am almost 30 and i could have had the hot as fuck gallery owner/artist fuck me good and hard. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! 

photo is of him. face blocked for obvious reason

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of liking someone enough to give them a chance with me and wanting to be unattached. I want to give this boy a chance, because I really do like him. However, Richmond's silly gossip trail has left me second guessing myself. I like to think I am stronger and more self assured than to allow silly rumors and harsh words deter me from what I want. However, I am not sure I know what I want and therefore I am allowing other people to affect my decisions. I want to scream at everyone around me judging my motives and what I do. I want to live!! and not be bothered by anyone else.
The boy is so super nice to me and treats me with the utmost respect. I feel like a goddess when I am around him and that is wonderful. Why is it that people around me scoff at the idea of him, and why do I care. Maybe I need to escape this city for a weekend, maybe I need a reality check, maybe I need to ignore all the caddy stares. I do not know what I should do in order to reach a sense of clarity, but I need it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

i'll take two shots of whiskey

I feel like i just built a roof on my house and im waiting for it to rain.

I just sabotaged my relationshiop with honesty. With pure hormone driven truth. Im sitting in my room thinking. Its going on 6 am and it's not that I had a metldown. It's not the holidays. Its not january or the stress it's just I wanted a real moment. I wanted an hour of my day to be pure. Pure emotion, fear, selfishness, flaws exposed, holding my breath.

Hello, here is the real me. I do not have baggage. I do not have scars. It is not my past. This is me no excuses. This is a piece of my heart. I am shaking and trembling with it in my hand. And I am so scared and I want you to have it. I want you to take it. But I know if you do that I will never get it back. Then I will have less, less than I already have. I'm a hot fucking mess I tell you that. I'm a huge fucking mess that is not a mess at all. I know who I am. I created this. I built this magnificent machine from the ground up and I'm great. I am more than amazing. I'm going to have a real life. I am going to change myself, you and then the world. If you don't realize that then you are a fool. And if you think I am having a fit then you are wrong sir. This is who I am and I am not afraid of you knowing my mind. If you are scared, if you are scared of all that I am and I am going to be.

I understand. You should be. I could ruin you. I just want to know that you would risk it. Just risk it for a chance. I feel your touch in my hair, my toes, my eyelashes I want to know your mind. I want to study what is you. You interest me more than slightly. Its a hard road ahead either way. You have to either earn me or forget me. I will not regret today.

I pray for wings made out of wax

i dont even know why you like me. I guess I'm okay looking and successful and witty but im a fucking nut. I'm not trainable, demanding, hypocritical, judgemental. Not to mention my questionable past. I am a trained manipulator and I very selfish. Why are you not more afraid. I could hurt you baby.

What if I change again I like you so much. That first night with you I changed as a person. Really I didI felt like i was breathing. I was on air and under water at the same time. I really don't see why you like me. I don't understand why you call. I've had to be strong my whole life. I just want to feel. What if I'm just some experiment for your mind. What if we are just memories of something we saw and thought we wanted. A personification of collected memory in tangible form. I know we are taking it slow. I know we are not even officially dating and I'm putting all this shit on you but who gives a shit. This is my heart. This is how I feel. These are my thought unedited my tears blurring my vision and my fear of you seeing my real reflection. This is my fear of falling. And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. I am. And I'm difficult and I will only expect the best from you always. And it will be a lot of work. And I hate feeling like I'm auditioning to be in your life. And i hate these hormones and I hate these emotions.

I hate what you might be thinking. And I hate a lot of other things. I understand if you never talk to me again this is crazy. But this is me. Please don't rip my heart out my chest. I would pretend i wasn't hurt but i would be fucking miserable.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

the year of me

holy shit. i actually went out on a date. 

I dont know what the fuck im doing.