Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I pray for wings made out of wax

i dont even know why you like me. I guess I'm okay looking and successful and witty but im a fucking nut. I'm not trainable, demanding, hypocritical, judgemental. Not to mention my questionable past. I am a trained manipulator and I very selfish. Why are you not more afraid. I could hurt you baby.

What if I change again I like you so much. That first night with you I changed as a person. Really I didI felt like i was breathing. I was on air and under water at the same time. I really don't see why you like me. I don't understand why you call. I've had to be strong my whole life. I just want to feel. What if I'm just some experiment for your mind. What if we are just memories of something we saw and thought we wanted. A personification of collected memory in tangible form. I know we are taking it slow. I know we are not even officially dating and I'm putting all this shit on you but who gives a shit. This is my heart. This is how I feel. These are my thought unedited my tears blurring my vision and my fear of you seeing my real reflection. This is my fear of falling. And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. I am. And I'm difficult and I will only expect the best from you always. And it will be a lot of work. And I hate feeling like I'm auditioning to be in your life. And i hate these hormones and I hate these emotions.

I hate what you might be thinking. And I hate a lot of other things. I understand if you never talk to me again this is crazy. But this is me. Please don't rip my heart out my chest. I would pretend i wasn't hurt but i would be fucking miserable.

1 comment:

Chica said...

Our self-doubt is so powerful. I so relate to everything you express in this post and I usually fuck up relationships for letting these feelings sabotage them instead of taking the risk and saying 'fuck it, if only for today is beautiful with you, I surrender.'