Tuesday, January 6, 2009
i'll take two shots of whiskey
I feel like i just built a roof on my house and im waiting for it to rain.
I just sabotaged my relationshiop with honesty. With pure hormone driven truth. Im sitting in my room thinking. Its going on 6 am and it's not that I had a metldown. It's not the holidays. Its not january or the stress it's just I wanted a real moment. I wanted an hour of my day to be pure. Pure emotion, fear, selfishness, flaws exposed, holding my breath.
Hello, here is the real me. I do not have baggage. I do not have scars. It is not my past. This is me no excuses. This is a piece of my heart. I am shaking and trembling with it in my hand. And I am so scared and I want you to have it. I want you to take it. But I know if you do that I will never get it back. Then I will have less, less than I already have. I'm a hot fucking mess I tell you that. I'm a huge fucking mess that is not a mess at all. I know who I am. I created this. I built this magnificent machine from the ground up and I'm great. I am more than amazing. I'm going to have a real life. I am going to change myself, you and then the world. If you don't realize that then you are a fool. And if you think I am having a fit then you are wrong sir. This is who I am and I am not afraid of you knowing my mind. If you are scared, if you are scared of all that I am and I am going to be.
I understand. You should be. I could ruin you. I just want to know that you would risk it. Just risk it for a chance. I feel your touch in my hair, my toes, my eyelashes I want to know your mind. I want to study what is you. You interest me more than slightly. Its a hard road ahead either way. You have to either earn me or forget me. I will not regret today.