Thursday, November 27, 2008

A History Of Violence

I am sitting in a kitchen full of women making Thanksgiving Dinner. My current beau is out of town for the next week. Can I make it until next week when he gets back or will my vagina wander. I successfully managed to get through last night without calling up past sexual partners that I have tried to forget. As I scrolled my phone list hoping for some sort of random forgotten memory it made me remember all my past mistakes. These are the men I've dated. These are the men I've hated. And these are the men I can't resist.

The Millionaire: He had a great car, a great flat, a great job. We ate in the finest restaurants and blew money flying all over the country because we had nothing better to do. It started out great. Jay-Z was always bumping in the back and we were a power couple. I finally found a man who I could relate with. He was driven, We loved sex with no strings attached, We loved spending money and being admired by everyone around us. It was so fast past. Things were great and then they were not great. He felt the need to run my life from some type of omniscient view. And I felt the need to cheat on him maliciously. No communication, Confusion, Growing up to fast. Then anger. I fucked this one over pretty good I still try to apologize but he hates me.
faults: controlling, indecisive, demanding

The One I Should Have Married: Had to fight not falling in love with him the first second our lips touched. I was new in the city. I was new out of a horrible fucked up relationship. We fit like hand and glove. He made me breakfast every morning and every night I would give him my mind and body. We had a house. We had a dog. We had a family. He rubbed my feet between my full time school and full time job. I had ambitions. I wanted Romance.
faults: laziness, not outgoing, little house on the prairie syndrome, anger issues, complanatron

The One That Isn't Mine:
I've known him for years. I ran into him one night and felt an odd attraction to him. We exchanged numbers and I was yelling his name and hour later. I had to train him to be my fuck buddy he had fears he was taking advantage of me sexually and that took months to change. We have so much fun together and the sex is mind blowing. He knows the curves of my body and the way to touch me. We get amazingly high and we dream together. I could never be his and he could never be mine. We dance together for a while then we wait for our song to play again. I will continue sleeping with him for as long as I live. He is my friend.
Faults: laziness, still in love with ex-girlfriend, complanatron, needs home training

The Cuddle Bug: This guy was my best friend. He was the only one who could really understand my crazy teenage manic mind. We would go for long car rides and he would make me mixtapes. He would send me letters and hug me for hours. He was a tall redhead who was odd looking but I found him irresistible. For years I tried to find a way to tell him how I felt. He hated all my boyfriends and I couldn't stand his girlfriends. Our views on religion, relationships and politics were the same. We were the sane ones and everyone else was plain mad. I was infatuated with this redhead for years. One Christmas when we were both back in our hometown we decided to go to D.C to look at museums and then get dinner together. We met at the train station. He held my hand. Things had changed. I was older and he was still the guy I had been in love with and who really understood me. I went home with him that night like I use to when we were younger. We got in his bed and watched Willow while he held me from behind. I was the little spoon and he was the big spoon but somethings was different. We were different. He was nervous and I was horny as well as petrified to breathe. I buried my head in his chest and we laid there in silence. I could feel his Dick was hard and his palms were sweaty. I just wanted him to kiss me. I needed him to kiss me. He licked his lips and my heart froze for a second. He then said "You are everything I thought you would be, I am so proud". He told me that he wanted to spend new years eve with me and he wanted me to be the first person he kissed. He said he was tired and didn't want to ruin anything for us because he wanted it to be perfect. The next morning we woke up and he made me breakfast. He hugged me for an hour and kissed me on the forehead. The next day I called him and his father told me he flew back to college early. I went home and I checked my email it said. "I'm sorry I can't be with you and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I was so hurt. After many years we are still friends but I still do not have the courage to let him know how I felt and how I was hurt.
Faults: blatantly honest about everything, House on the prairie complex, Martyr Complex

The One Who Took My Virginity: 7th Grade 7th block Introduction to Physics Middle row, Dark skin. We talked about our hatred of forced education and our love for Tomb Raider. I made fake notes allowing me to ride the bus home with him everyday. We would play video games for 2 hours then make out on his bed for two hours. One day I was wearing jncos and a Rage Against the Machine shirt. He put his hands in my pants and pulled out sticky fingers my brain melted and the world got fuzzy. The next day I went to Borders and read every thing I could find about sex. I took notes and made diagrams. The next day he took my virginity. I told him I had lost it before for some reason I didn't want him having any kind of ownership over my body. We dated for months, his parents were diplomats and we rode to school in limousine's and his maid would cook us romantic dinners. Everyone was jealous. We would talk for hours on the phone about nothing. I loved the nothingness. He loved me he would have forsaken his whole family to prove his love. The Seasons changed and so did I. I left him and he sadly fell apart. There was suicide attempts. He almost flunked out of school and it broke his mothers heart. I will always regret breaking his mothers heart.
Faults: Stubbornness

Coke Bottle Glasses and striped sweaters: The first boy I ever saw who looked like he could be in one of my favorite bands. He was such a loser and so fucking cute. Stupid Glasses with tape on them. Thrift store pink t-shirt, dyed shaggy black hair,ripped Levi jeans and mismatched chucks. I was in High school and he was interesting to say the least. I hated him for quite some time. One of my friends really liked him so I was forced to hang out with them often. He wasn't very intelligent nor was he witty he was barely worth knowing. He usually had nothing interesting to say and whenever people would start noticing it he would do something stupid like set himself on fire or hit himself in the head. For some reason my friend was so infatuated with him even though she had a semi acceptable boyfriend. Tuesday night was our mandatory movie night for the three of us ( by three I mean the two of them hanging out and me in the background reading a book being used as an alibi) Well one night my friend doesn't show up and I'm stuck with the asshole. We try to watch a movie and just end up yelling at each other and then I tell him all the reason I dislike him. He then in return spits in my face. I slap him and spit back in his face. He pins me on the ground and holds my mouth open and continues to spit all over my face. I flip him over on the floor of my bedroom, I hold his hands behind his head with one hand and my other hand I spit in it and rub it all over his face. His dick gets hard and I fuck him on the floor. His lips are so soft. His lips are so red. He tells me he feels bad about what we did. Then he fucks me again. He then tells me he is in love with my friend. Then he tells me he wants me again. This goes on for months. He was my first fuck buddy. I learned a lot from our situation. This relationship ended with a good amount of moonshine and a belt repeatedly hitting him in the chest.
Faults: immature, no responsibility,

The Guy Who Made My Heart Stop: It was love at first sight.I was in a constant state of overwhelming joy. I love you dripped out of my mouth like droll. We moved in with each other after two weeks. He made my mind and my body release all fear and doubt. This was love. This was what life was all about this was worth dying for. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to have his children. I wanted to take care of him. He was my savior my companion he was the person who was made for me. Every morning I woke up I thanked God for the gift of one more day with him. He loved everything about me. My anger, my innocence, my pride, my body. He made me feel beautiful and smart. In the mornings he would cut melons while I poured orange juice in our matching mugs. I would stand on the tip of my toes and he would kiss me on the forehead. He said Forever and a day and I gave him my soul. He is the best actor I've ever met. He cut me so deeply that I will never heal from what we were. And what he is. He ruined me. He destroyed anything good inside of me. It took me years to become a new person. I will always compare every man to him. I will always have trouble rewriting my memories of him. He lives under my skin. He is in my blood. He is embedded in my mind. I hate him and I love him.
Faults: Liar, Selfish, God-like complex, convicted child molester, convicted rapist, schizophrenic,

this is far to heavy to finish tonight. I will add more later.

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