Tuesday, December 23, 2008

devil stay away from me.

what am i doing.
i lay awake at night .
just thinking.
pining over that man.
touching my self as he sleeps.
thinking about
what it would be like.
the first time.
and what i would be like.
to lay with him.
laugh with him.
to be with him.

i want to fuck him.
and kiss his entire body.
i want this man so bad.

i put his face in on his body.
and pretend like his responses.
are something he would say.

i think about what we would be doing.
if i were with him.
living this way.

he seems so perfect.
like we just fit.
like i want what i can have.
and he'd give me it.

i think about how i could.
leave him.
we could be together.
and i could finally.
be happy and myself.
and we'd watch cartoon.
and get high.
and fuck.
and sleep.

and we'd listen to music.
and talk about sneakers.
and go to bars.
and drink each other under the table.

i just want to get fucked up.
and get fucked.

there are times.
that i hate my life.

i hate him.
and i feeling obligated to love him.
i feel like i am not who i was
in the beginning.
and that not a good thing.
i feel like ive lost myself.
i want so badly to be bad
and to be alone.
and to be involved
in something meaningless.

as of late.
ive chosen to jack off.
to the image.
of him.
coming close to my face.
whispering in my ear.
kissing my neck.

and telling me.
how bad hes wanted it.
and good it finally feels.

he told me that i am his fetish.
and how my body makes him want to come.
he wants to spread my legs like butter.
he wants to make me die inside.
and how he has been waiting.
for something like this.

and i tell him.
that hes everything i never thought i wanted.
and i how bad i wish i met him first.

would i be different?

who would i be.

what am i doing.
am i insane?
there is love here.
there is lust here.
i have got to get a grip.
ive got to get over this.
make sense out of.
this sexual situation.

i have to make the best.
of my unhappiness.
thats what its all about.
ive got to fall in love all over again.
i cant just cut and run .
my way out.

im so young.
and so amazing.
and so filled with bad intentions.
and i want to give myself.
to the entire world.
with any regulations.

ive learned so much from this man.
and to throw it all away.
to give up on my future.
to split this all down the middle.
seems unfair.
to break apart something that.
ive worked so hard to make.

for a boy.
this crush.
could crush everything.

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