Friday, December 19, 2008

I Am So Sorry Ladies

I am so sorry ladies. I am so sorry. I did what I fear most. I met someone. I met someone amazing. He is a man. He is strong. He is smart. I feel vulnerable and scared. I could love this guy. Real love. Not fake love. Not I'm bored so i could think you are sweet and learn to love you. I mean real love.

Like love that you fight for, love you die for, love you go to war for, love that moves mountains and make heroes out of us. Not love like in the movies but love like in the soul. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how he found me. But he did. My whole life got flipped upside down in a second. And now I am in this place.

This place where there is fear and hope. The two deadliest of feelings. This person has the power to hurt me and destroy me because he carries the power to build me up and help make me the woman that I have always dreamed to be. I look in his eyes and I see a strength I have always looked for. I want to wash his feet with my hair. I see a man.
Not a boy.
Not a boy.
Not a boy.
I've spent years trying to make guys into what I wanted them to be. I've spent years believing they would grow to their full potential but it wasn't until i met this guy that i realized I should have been waiting for him. He is beautiful. He is sweet. He tells me he has wanted to be with me for the past year. He tells me that he admires me. He tells me I am what a woman should be. He makes me feel beautiful. I feel beautiful. I am full of life and i am glowing. I don't care if it doesn't work out. I don't care if i have to forsake the world for him. He makes me feel each breath i take and that is more than anyone has ever done. He is beautiful. I FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I FEEL. I FEEL. I haven't felt in years. Its hard taking down the walls you have around your heart. It is hard ripping away at the scar tissue. Its hard allowing someone to see your true face and your true smile. I may regret this. I don't care. I am so in like its sick. He tells me he is afraid of me. He tells me that I am going to ruin him and he will write a million records dedicated to his heartbreak. I promise him we will ruin eachother.

I met his friends last night. They are amazing. They are nerdy jazz kids. They are perfect. He got on stage to perform three songs at the end to impress me. I stood in front of him dancing and holding a cloth so I could wipe the sweat off his brow. The moment he got off stage i slammed his against a wall and kissed him. He is mine. Let the fucking world know. Where do I go from here. Its is day four. he is in my blood and my thoughts.